The Mental Load of Motherhood: Why You Feel Overwhelmed—and How to Cope Using ACT
Understanding the Mental Load
The “mental load” is often described as the invisible, ongoing work of managing life.
It includes:
Keeping track of schedules, appointments, and responsibilities
Anticipating needs (your child’s, your partner’s, your household’s)
Making decisions—big and small—throughout the day
Holding the emotional weight of your family
For many mothers, the mental load is constant.
Even when nothing is happening externally, your mind may still be:
Planning
Remembering
Problem-solving
Worrying
And over time, this can feel exhausting.
If you find yourself thinking:
“Why can’t I just relax?”
“Why does everything fall on me?”
“Why does this feel so heavy?”
You are not alone.
And more importantly:
Nothing about your experience is wrong. It makes sense in context.
Why the Mental Load Feels So Overwhelming
The mental load is not just about what you do—it’s about what you carry internally.
It is shaped by:
Responsibility and care for others
Identity shifts in motherhood
Cultural expectations of being a “good” parent
Perfectionism or internal pressure
Lack of structural or shared support
As seen across perinatal mental health, overwhelm often increases when:
There is a gap between expectations and reality
You feel solely responsible
There is little space for your own needs
Many people try to cope by:
Trying to “get everything under control”
Pushing through exhaustion
Ignoring their own needs
Becoming self-critical
While understandable, these strategies often increase burnout over time.
Why Trying to “Fix” the Mental Load Can Backfire
From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, one of the biggest traps is:
Trying to eliminate overwhelm before allowing yourself to live.
You might notice thoughts like:
“I need to get everything done before I can rest”
“Once things calm down, I’ll feel better”
“I shouldn’t feel this overwhelmed”
But the reality is:
The mental load doesn’t fully go away.
And waiting for it to disappear can keep you stuck.
As reflected in ACT-based approaches to maternal mental health, the goal is not to eliminate difficult thoughts or feelings—but to change your relationship to them.
How to Cope with the Mental Load (ACT Approach)
1. Make Space for Overwhelm Instead of Fighting It
When you’re carrying a heavy mental load, your instinct may be to:
Push the feeling away
Tell yourself to “just handle it”
Judge yourself for struggling
Instead, try:
Noticing: “This is overwhelm”
Naming it without judgment
Allowing it to be present
This doesn’t make the load disappear—but it reduces the added suffering created by fighting your experience.
2. Unhook from the “I Have to Do Everything” Story
The mental load is often fueled by thoughts like:
“If I don’t do it, it won’t get done”
“It’s all on me”
“I should be able to handle this”
Rather than trying to argue with these thoughts, practice:
“I’m having the thought that it’s all on me”
This creates space between you and the thought—so it has less control over your actions.
3. Shift from Control to Choice
A core challenge of the mental load is trying to control everything:
Outcomes
Other people
The future
But as with many perinatal experiences, much of life is outside of your control
Instead, gently shift your focus to:
What is within your control
What is workable right now
This might look like:
Delegating one task (even imperfectly)
Letting something be “good enough”
Taking a break before everything is finished
4. Stay Connected to What Matters
When you’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to move into survival mode.
ACT invites a different question:
“How do I want to show up—even in the middle of this?”
This might include:
Being present with your child
Speaking to yourself with more compassion
Asking for help
Protecting your energy
You don’t need the mental load to disappear to live in alignment with your values.
5. Take Small, Meaningful Actions (Not Perfect Ones)
When everything feels like too much, the goal is not to fix everything.
It’s to take small, values-aligned steps.
This might be:
Stepping outside for fresh air
Sending one message asking for support
Letting one thing go
Doing one task instead of ten
Small actions can help rebuild a sense of connection and agency over time.
6. Let Go of the “Perfect Mother” Standard
The mental load is often intensified by an unspoken rule:
You should be able to do it all—and do it well.
But this standard is not sustainable.
And it often leads to:
Shame
Burnout
Disconnection
From an ACT perspective:
You are not failing—you are responding to a very real load.
When Resentment Shows Up: What It Might Be Telling You
Resentment is one of the most common—and most misunderstood—responses to the mental load.
You might notice:
“Why am I the only one thinking about this?”
“Why do I have to ask for help?”
“Why does this all fall on me?”
Resentment is often a signal.
Not that something is wrong with you—but that something important may be missing.
It can point to:
Unmet needs
Imbalance in responsibility
Lack of support or recognition
Difficulty expressing what you need
Many people respond to resentment by:
Pushing it down
Judging themselves
Continuing to overfunction
But emotions—even uncomfortable ones—carry information.
Instead of asking:
“How do I get rid of this feeling?”
You might ask:
“What is this feeling pointing to?”
How to Share the Mental Load with Your Partner
One of the challenges with the mental load is that much of it is invisible.
Your partner may not fully see what you’re carrying—unless it is named.
At the same time, asking for help can feel difficult.
You might notice thoughts like:
“I shouldn’t have to ask”
“It’s easier if I just do it myself”
“What if they don’t follow through?”
These thoughts are understandable.
And they can also keep you stuck carrying everything alone.
From an ACT perspective, the goal is not to wait until it feels easy or fair.
It’s to take values-aligned action, even when it feels uncomfortable.
This might look like:
Naming specific needs clearly
Sharing the mental load—not just tasks, but planning and responsibility
Having ongoing conversations about division of labor
Allowing things to be done differently than you would do them
Advocating for support is not a failure.
It’s a way of caring for yourself—and your relationship.
When the Mental Load Becomes Too Much
It may be helpful to seek additional support if you are experiencing:
Persistent overwhelm or burnout
Anxiety or racing thoughts
Irritability or resentment
Difficulty resting—even when you have the opportunity
Feeling disconnected from yourself or your family
Working with a perinatal therapist in California can help you:
Reduce overwhelm
Navigate resentment and communication
Build psychological flexibility
Reconnect with what matters
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
The mental load of motherhood is real.
And for many people, it is heavier than expected.
But you don’t have to eliminate the load to feel better.
You can:
Make space for your experience
Change your relationship to your thoughts
Take small steps toward what matters
Even in the middle of overwhelm.
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you’re feeling stretched thin, exhausted, or stuck in the mental load of motherhood, I offer perinatal therapy in California—both online and in-person in Pasadena—supporting individuals through pregnancy, postpartum, and early motherhood.
I invite you to reach out through my contact page to learn more about working together.
I’m Dr. Carissa Gustafson; licensed clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles
Using evidence-based therapy, I can help you bring presence to pain and find peace on your pregnancy and postpartum journey.